I’ve never wanted kids…or let’s put it this way. I never ever consciously occurred on my to-do/bucket list. When I was a child, I never played with dolls and prams to be a mommy, not to mention nursing a doll or changing its diapers.
Babies never interested me. I’ve never felt an urge to hold a baby, god forbid to babysit!
And then there’s the story of my family. My parents have never had a great relationship and it seemed that the kids, my brother and I, gave them a valid reason to stay bound together. Now I now that’s not true. But the damage is done.
I realised quite late in my life that I have a body that is actually perfectly designed to bring a new life into this world. Already this sentence scares the shit out of me. New what?
Aside from the obvious physical features, how can seriously anyone believe that I could be a capable mother?! Being a mother, that’s for life, or at least a 20-year-long project, you know? It’s worse than mortgage, you can’t pay it off really, the property is yours but in fact at the same time it isn’t at all. You are just a vehicle, a medium, a little eye in the chain of evolution. It doesn’t matter at all what you think or feel, your duty is to procreate and thus allow life to continue. Well..
I’ve always had many dreams and I still keep on dreaming. I always wanted to learn how to surf (check but with plenty of room for improvement) and I always wanted to travel much (check, but boy, it’s tiring!). I could go on and on. The list is long :)
December 2009, I literally stumbled upon an Ashtanga Yoga class. I know how cranky it sounds but from class ONE I was hooked. Now, looking back, a lot of things changed. To be precise, yoga “ruined” my life.
Through yoga, I went deeply into myself, I actually for the first time became acquainted with myself, but really. I understood, sensed and felt this “self” inside me. Slowly, by peeling off layer by layer, I came to terms with who I am, what it means and how I can work with it. I realised that my behaviour, my reactions, thought patterns and emotional responses are all the result of everything my parents, the society and mankind as such did, and how the environment formed me. I didn’t feel free. I felt like a programmed robot without realising it has been programmed. I became an observer of my behaviour and at the same time I was conscious that I have no idea where all that mess comes from. I didn’t want to behave like I behaved, I didn’t want to feel torn and incomplete…damaged….
I was very much ashamed of myself. I saw myself like in a movie, on a big screen, getting angry and shouting at my partner for something totally meaningless and I was not able to control that reaction even though I knew that this is not me, this is not how I want to behave. I felt powerless, I could only lean back and finish my popcorn.
At the beginning, the practice of asanas was overwhelming. It required all my attention and strength. After a while, I realised that I was so tired from the physical practice that there was no more energy left to get angry not to mention to make a scene out of it. I could not muster any enthusiasm for anger and to spiral it out of control, despite the fact that this was the only way I knew how to deal with any form of discomfort. My parents did not show me any other way.
However, my partner did. Strangely enough, he knew very well how to treat people behaving exactly like me, how to calm them down, get the steam out without much damage. That’s what he learned from his parents. What a coincidence, right?
Here’s another cranky idea: yoga made me not only realise who I am but through yoga I could accept myself and what is more, learn to love and forgive myself. I am doing my best and it’s not by far perfect, mind you, but I’m giving my best and I’m able to forgive myself if I let myself down especially when I hurt another living being.
Moreover, things around me don’t go like I want them or plan them. Well, they rarely do, by the way :) because I can’t control them. Any frustration or emotion for that matter generated by forcing other things to turn out the way I want is meaningless. A waste of time and energy, to be honest. I learned that on my yoga mat, too. Let go and just breathe.
I also learned to channel my energy and focus on things that I can influence and change, ergo me. No more automatic reactive behaviour! Easier said than done by the way. It doesn’t sound very appealing, grant you. But hey, it is what it is.
Life is extremely simple. Us, people, make it unnecessarily complicated. It intrigues me that we very easily forget this. How come?
Now my goal is to keep things simple in life. It’s super hard and it’s a lot of hard work. It makes me happy and it makes sense in my life, though.
With that in mind, I’ve kept treading alongside my partner for the past fifteen years. What a trip!