Thoughts on Pregnancy (in about 7th month)
5th May 2015 - about 7 months pregnant
“pregnancy and motherhood and especially birthing is the most happiest day in women’s lives” …I don’t know who wrote this but I am certain I disagree fully. Same with the wedding day.
I consider other days or events as the happiest moments in my life. Like getting up, having ample time to practice and having a good practice, ample time for pranayama, meditation and mantras, having something great to eat and drink in lovely company.
Pregnancy and motherhood I tend to perceive as a rite of passage in my life. A rite of passage I chose voluntarily, guessing it won’t be easy or enjoyable most of the time. However, something deep inside me tells me it’s worth it anyway…so let’s see.
I forbade myself to image situations or expect any results.
Even without setting up expectations, I am already terrified by what might come and how am I going to handle it. THere’s a looot of fear and anxiety. Paradoxically, I am confident that my body will know what to do and will act accordingly when the time comes to birth the baby. As far as my mind goes, I am not sure at all!
It’s hard to differentiate between who am I and how the hormonal changes keep affecting me. Where’s the “self” in me when I am pregnant?
The self has a secret companion, another soul, a little fragile being in my womb BUT the more powerful because she’s not distracted by her senses or worldly actions, i.e. by her body and mind. She is still pure energy that gradually settled into this tiny body growing within me. She’s just kicked me as if for approval ;)
So, her energy, her self, her being is levitating around my body. When I focus enough, I can feel her presence, usually on the right shoulder. She gives me soo much strength and I can only bow in amazement to the power she has.
Then I realise, I must have that power, too, it’s just that I unlearnt how to use it. The baby is my second chance to connect to my powerful self. That’s the only reason that makes sense to me. At least, I cannot think of any other reason why having a kid is a good idea :D I’ve never been able to see many positives :D
and here I am, starting the 30th week tomorrow.
So, having kids, becoming a parent can’t be a rational decision. At least, I cannot imagine this being one in my case.
I feel intimidated by zealous women who crave pregnancy and motherhood and who do everything just to achieve that. I feel like running away fast.
I’ve met many pregnant women since I got pregnant and I cannot fathom why such obsession about something they have no control over anyway. How can you identify yourself with motherhood so much that you forget (or forsake?) who you are really?
I’m going to be a mum, uff, I am not sure I’m ready to say it out loud yet but I surely know and feel very strongly that other parts of me, my “self” remain intact, maybe my focus will have to shift a bit but that’s all.
So, around 10 weeks to go and I haven’t prepared a thing. Anyway, what I need to focus on, is to prepare my inner self because I want to do this right. It won’t be perfect, gosh no, but I want the little one to feel I did her justice. She chose us as parents for some reason and I hope one of them is that we’ll keep trying to do our best.